The Poetry Corner

Tu Quoque, An Idyll In The Conservatory

By Henry Austin Dobson

nellie If I were you, when ladies at the play, Sir, Beckon and nod, a melodrama through, I would not turn abstractedly away, Sir, If I were you! frank If I were you, when persons I affected, Wait for three hours to take me down to Kew, I would at least pretend I recollected, If I were you! nellie If I were you, when ladies are so lavish, Sir, as to keep me every waltz but two, I would not dance with odious Miss M'Tavish, If I were you! frank If I were you, who vow you cannot suffer Whiff of the best, the mildest "honey dew," I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer, If I were you! nellie If I were you, I would not, Sir, be bitter, Even to write the "Cynical Review"; frank No, I should doubtless find flirtation fitter, If I were you! nellie Really! You would? Why, Frank, you're quite delightful, Hot as Othello, and as black of hue; Borrow my fan. I would not look so frightful, If I were you! frank "It is the cause." I mean your chaperon is Bringing some well-curled juvenile. Adieu! I shall retire. I'd spare that poor Adonis, If I were you! nellie Go, if you will. At once! And by express, Sir! Where shall it be? To China, or Peru? Go. I should leave inquirers my address, Sir, If I were you! frank No, I remain. To stay and fight a duel Seems, on the whole, the proper thing to do, Ah, you are strong, I would not then be cruel, If I were you! nellie One does not like one's feelings to be doubted, frank One does not like one's friends to misconstrue, nellie If I confess that I a wee-bit pouted? frank I should admit that I was pique, too. nellie Ask me to dance. I'd say no more about it, If I were you! [Waltz - Exeunt.]